sculptures, the devil, the dumb

Complete Fucking Idiots Think Spider-Man’s Hands Are Devil Horns

Lincoln NE (SN) - A complete fucking idiot emailed the Mayor’s office complaining that a statue of Spiderman’s hands were “demonic, perverse, anti-christian, a hate crime against the church, and way too big for Spiderman.” City ombudsman (whatever that is) Liz Quenzer had a hearty laugh at the email. “Of course it’s demonic. We have… Continue reading Complete Fucking Idiots Think Spider-Man’s Hands Are Devil Horns

a music city without you, sorry

Machete Archive Returns, Reminds Every Other Local Musician That They Suck Balls at Their Instrument

Lincoln NE (SN) - Dozens of musical aspirations were crushed Saturday evening as Lincoln's Machete Archive reunited to, once again, prove that they are boundlessly and technically more talented than you at their respected instruments. The trio, who headlined a commanding line-up at Duffy's Tavern, effortlessly pumped out jam after jam of their unique blend… Continue reading Machete Archive Returns, Reminds Every Other Local Musician That They Suck Balls at Their Instrument

crime beat, good for him

Leirion Gifts Key to the City to Parking Garage Freak-Out Guy

Lincoln NE (SN) - The mystery behind Friday morning's reported "parking gate hate" thickened this morning as Mayor Leirion Gaylor Baird announced she was ready to publicly honor the unknown white male. "Whoever you are, please call my office" the Mayor said in a press conference. "The $3,200 in damages is pocket change in contrast… Continue reading Leirion Gifts Key to the City to Parking Garage Freak-Out Guy

parking, sports n snorts

The Old Mattress Factory Charges a $20 Cover at the Eppley Airfield Gate

Omaha NE (SN) - Expecting a huge turnout for the College World Series, The Old Mattress Factory has set up a cover charge at the Omaha Airport for every person attending the College World Series. “New Cover Policy: If you are attending the College World series there is a $20 cover to enter Omaha.” says… Continue reading The Old Mattress Factory Charges a $20 Cover at the Eppley Airfield Gate

politics, sniff out the vote

2200 Lincolnites Instagram Their “I Voted” Sticker Today to Prove They Are Better Than You

Lincoln NE (SN) - It is election day in Lincoln, and the >1% of the population that are registered voters are ecstatic, but not as floored as the >1% of THAT number that will actually be voting today. Today they will change the political climate in the star city forever. "I've got my cutest outfit… Continue reading 2200 Lincolnites Instagram Their “I Voted” Sticker Today to Prove They Are Better Than You

natural disasters, sweets 'n treats

C and L Dairy Sweet Patrons Reflect on the One Time They Almost Went There

Lincoln NE (SN) - God went all Sim City and took out a tiny square with a tornado early Sunday evening, resulting in the destruction of C and L Sweet ice cream stand, operated near Pioneers Park. Fortunately the employees escaped from the 40 year-old business just moments before the storm approached Pioneers Park. Lincolnites… Continue reading C and L Dairy Sweet Patrons Reflect on the One Time They Almost Went There

nebraska strong, thoughts & prayers

Ricketts Decrees April 7th as Statewide Day of Prayer, God: “Thank U, Next.”

Lincoln NE (SN) - Due to the unprecedented flooding and destruction the state has endured over the last month, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts has declared April 7th as a Statewide Day of Prayer. Ricketts, eschewing the constraints of the separation of church and state and channeling his inner Charlemagne, issued the phony baloney proclamation on… Continue reading Ricketts Decrees April 7th as Statewide Day of Prayer, God: “Thank U, Next.”