patriotism, public safety, TLDRsdays

So You’re the Asshole That Is Already Firing off Fireworks

By the time you are sitting on your toilet reading this, it is likely 3:15pm. I know you were up all night drinking vodka Monster energy drink cocktails. I hope you slept well. Your six hour shift at Wendy's starts at 4pm, so take your time. Enjoy this BM. Shit until your legs are numb.… Continue reading So You’re the Asshole That Is Already Firing off Fireworks

Immigration, politics, TLDRsdays

Stranger Things Star to Join Cast of Paid Child Actors in Libtard Immigrant Children Hoax Videos

Nogales AZ (SN) - President Donald Trump's further tightening of the United States border has continued to infuriate liberals, who are now funneling billions of dollars that they had hidden away somewhere to stage elaborate video "evidence" of immigrant children being held by U.S. Customs in tent cities and jail cells, far away from their… Continue reading Stranger Things Star to Join Cast of Paid Child Actors in Libtard Immigrant Children Hoax Videos

Smell Nebraska is Broke, TLDRsdays

Smell Nebraska Wants in on This “Give to Lincoln Day” Money

Lincoln NE (SN) - Today marks the seventh annual Give to Lincoln Day, and Smell Nebraska wants to know, where the cash at? Being the most exclusive news source in the Midwest costs a waterfall of Mountain Dew, our writers push the limits of advanced DSL internet technology to conduct extensive research on Wikipedia, and… Continue reading Smell Nebraska Wants in on This “Give to Lincoln Day” Money

food & dining, sandwich week, TLDRsdays

Jake’s Non-Smoking Wing to Serve Hot Sandwiches, Change Name to Doozy’s

Lincoln NE (SN) - In a move to bring in more customers and raise profits, Jake's has decided to serve food in the non-smoking side of the bar and rename that side "Doozy's." "It just seems like a natural fit," says Jake's General Manager Jason Hutchinson. "We looked around and asked ourselves, 'what's the one… Continue reading Jake’s Non-Smoking Wing to Serve Hot Sandwiches, Change Name to Doozy’s

digestive health, food & dining, TLDRsdays

Lincoln Man Eats Entire D’Leon’s Beans Burrito Without Getting Diarrhea

Lincoln NE (SN) - The Nebraska Mexican food drive-thru game changed forever Wednesday night when a local diner completed an entire beans burrito from D'Leon's without even a shred of regret or digestive problems the next morning. Timmy "Iron Colon" McMillan, who previously gained notoriety in Lancaster county with his "Long John Silvers August Challenge"… Continue reading Lincoln Man Eats Entire D’Leon’s Beans Burrito Without Getting Diarrhea

music, TLDRsdays

Walmart Employees Tired of Hopeful Musicians Performing in the Store

Omaha NE (SN) - Walmart employees are sick and tired of the parade of musicians performing in their store. Spurred on by the recent success of “Yodeling Boy,” hundreds of wanna-be musicians have flocked to Walmart to record their talents and try to make it big. Yodeling Boy, whose real name is Mason Ramsey, recently… Continue reading Walmart Employees Tired of Hopeful Musicians Performing in the Store

politics, sports n snorts, TLDRsdays

Ricketts Family to Sell Chicago Cubs Franchise

The Ricketts family, owners of TD Ameritrade and one of two Chicago based major league baseball clubs, made the announcement that they would be selling the Chicago Cubs to further invest their stake in American politics. Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts explained the decision: "After our tepid start to the season our family feels it's time… Continue reading Ricketts Family to Sell Chicago Cubs Franchise