Lincoln NE (SN) – A legendary resident of Lancaster County that more than dabbles in witchcraft shocked meteorologists Monday when she revealed decades of data proving that Monday’s lows were going to be colder than “both of her tits.”
“…and I’m not even talking about wind chill. I’m talking about the regular number,” she told Smell Nebraska’s weather team.
Helga Himmelberger, known more locally as “the wicked witch of West 22nd and A street,” was eager to make the announcement following Monday evening’s predicted lows of -22°, but was reluctant to truly explain the temperature of her breast in Fahrenheit or Celsius terms.
“That’s the problem with sorcery,” she added. “I mean you’re comparing direct nipple contact levels with a spell book that was written thousands of years ago. I have a conversion chart that my fellow sisters and I hand drew by way of Salem, but it is in a language that is several years dated, and I’m holding it with my spell book in the other hand… my girls flopping around. You’re just going to have to trust us experts on this part.”
Himmelberger, 683 years old, proceeded to seduce Smell Nebraska’s 19 year old meteorology intern, and then kill him and eat his remains. #RIPKyle #JusticeForKyle
SmellNebraska.org 