weather alerts, witch craft

Lincoln Witch Announces Monday’s Lows Colder Than Either of Her Tits Have Ever Been

Lincoln NE (SN) – A legendary resident of Lancaster County that more than dabbles in witchcraft shocked meteorologists Monday when she revealed decades of data proving that Monday’s lows were going to be colder than “both of her tits.”

“…and I’m not even talking about wind chill. I’m talking about the regular number,” she told Smell Nebraska’s weather team.

Helga Himmelberger, known more locally as “the wicked witch of West 22nd and A street,” was eager to make the announcement following Monday evening’s predicted lows of -22°, but was reluctant to truly explain the temperature of her breast in Fahrenheit or Celsius terms.

“That’s the problem with sorcery,” she added. “I mean you’re comparing direct nipple contact levels with a spell book that was written thousands of years ago. I have a conversion chart that my fellow sisters and I hand drew by way of Salem, but it is in a language that is several years dated, and I’m holding it with my spell book in the other hand… my girls flopping around. You’re just going to have to trust us experts on this part.”

Himmelberger, 683 years old, proceeded to seduce Smell Nebraska’s 19 year old meteorology intern, and then kill him and eat his remains. #RIPKyle #JusticeForKyle

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s