covid-19, education, U.S. History

Yeah so Ben Sasse Is Doin’ Okay

Lincoln NE (SN) – Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse gave a graduation commencement speech on Saturday, confirming that even our elected officials are drunk, unhinged, and frankly not interesting at all anymore due to the stress of Covid-19.

In eight painful minutes, the Senator thanked China for parent teachers, deemed high school education as unnecessary, and had a lot to say about physical education teachers.

“Graduates, adults don’t tell you this, but once or twice a week, someone’s gonna ask you to climb a giant rope! No reason, just climb the rope!” he slurred.

Sasse also went on a tirade, not only towards China, but also at Joe Exotic and “everybody named Jeremy.”

“You’re gonna say stuff at your high school reunion service ceremonies, ‘Remember that time that China started a big global pandemic that created the worst public health crisis in over a century and brought the economy to its knees and we had to stay at home and everybody was hoarding toilet paper and we all watched this documentary about some weirdo dude who raised tigers?’ Everybody named Jeremy is the worst.”

Fremont High School grads, who were vaping and not viewing the live stream, had no comment.

How are you doin? Send your quarantine meltdowns to our Instagram. @SmellNebraska

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