Lincoln NE (SN) – With five more COVID-19 cases confirmed in Lancaster county this afternoon, and even Nebraska’s pro-death Governor urging for early testing, one fact remains true: You don’t have to wear a mask, you pussy. You’re being a baby. You’re blowing this out of proportion. It is a liberal hoax.
Retired mechanic Kirby Walton knows this, he knows everything is going to be okay for Lincoln because he knows everything about Caronavirus.
“I was picking up some BBQ sauce and a pack of smokes at Walmart earlier this week,” he told reporters. “I just couldn’t believe how many stupid maniacs were wearing gloves and masks. Idiots.”
Walton’s errands reportedly continued to frustrate him.
“I headed over to the MickeyD’s to get some chicken nuggets and BBQ sauce and the doors were fucking locked!” he shouted. “I hate drive-thrus. They always fuck up your order. I like some good human interaction. Stupid overreactors, this is all a conspiracy to promote Tom Hanks’ new movie.”
When asked if he made sure to wash his hands when he arrived home, he made fun of our staff and told us he found an article that proves that it’s actually bad for your immune system to be constantly deprived of “good” germs.