caronavirus, covid-19, downtown lincoln

O’Rourke’s Stale Ass Popcorn Available for Carry Out or Delivery

Lincoln NE (SN) – Local businesses are doing what they can do to turn a profit during the Coronavirus shutdown. O’Rourke’s Tavern is no different as they are now offering curbside pick-up of their stale-ass popcorn.

“If you want a bag of this old popcorn just give us a call,” said bartender Tad Sparkman. “We have too much of it and have to get rid of it somehow. It’s been sitting in the poorly tied bag there for a month at this point. Just how our customers like it.”

Frequent O’Rourke’s patron Fred Phantschitter was ecstatic to hear the news. “O’Rourke’s popcorn used to be my main source of nutrition. I usually head into the bar around 1 in the afternoon, get a big bowl of popcorn, and then drink 13 or 14 Miller Highlifes just to take the edge off. Then I’d have a couple more bowls, take a huge dump in a urinal,  and then stumble back across the bridge to my tent under the overpass by the bike trail.”

Phantschitter lamented about how the COVID-19 outbreak has altered his lifestyle. “It actually hasn’t changed anything. I used to get money from the government and spend it on booze at O’Rourke’s, now I just have to drink my hootch in Wilderness Park like the rest of the unemployed gang that used to hang out at O’Rourke’s all day. At least we can get some popcorn again! God provides!”

Bartender Tad Sparkman said you could call O’Rourke’s any time of day or night and someone would have an old trashcan lid of popcorn for you to pick up. “It’s the least we could do. Of course health care workers and first responders get priority but after that it’s ready for anyone. There’s plenty to go around and it’s free because at this point if we tried to throw it away we could get sued by the EPA for illegally dumping toxic waste.”

Delivery is also available through Grub Hub or Uber Eats. 

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