Lincoln NE (SN) – In a planet virtually shut down to prevent the rapid spread of the Caronavirus, every single human sits in uncertainty. Except Marcus Mason, who is absolutely confident that everything will be a-okay, because Elizabeth Warren, who dropped out of the Presidential race on March 5th, will be THE winner of the 2020 race to be our next President of the United States.
“Have I told you about what Liz tells a girl at every single one of her rallies yet?” Mason fought back tears with reporters. “I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE GOT FIFTH PLACE BECAUSE OF THAT DATE RAPIST BERNIE SANDERS. Check your privilege, fellow white males… BLOCKED!”
Marcus has been pretty busy on social media since 2016, particularly in opposition of Sanders, and has recently upped his white male “posts per minute” to corporate alert levels, reported by Facebook’s algorithm, of course.
“Mark Zuckerberg messaged me, like personally!” he gushed. “I mean he is a hero, just like Elizabeth Warren. Only he is kind of a rapist because he isn’t Elizabeth Warren, and he is a white male, and he should check his privilege. Every person in the world that is a white male is kind of a rapist and shouldn’t be appreciated for anything because of their race and gender. Check your privilege, you fucking rapists! BLOCKED!”
Marcus Mason’s close friends were quick to comment to reporters that he is a really nice dude, and that this is “just a phase.” at least at first.
“You know what, fuck that guy. He like straight endorsed Biden and then told everyone I was a rapist because I told him I was apprehensive,” one friend Miguel said. “Say hello to four more years of Trump, to be honest I think I’m more embarrassed to be friends with Marcus Mason than I am for voting for Biden out of necessity in November.”
Miguel’s parents got deported in August of last year after a ramp of I.C.E. raids including one in O’Neill, Nebraska. Meh, maybe his parents probably should have checked their privilege.