caronavirus, health, public safety

Nebraska Millenials Hopeful Enough Old People Die From Coronavirus so Nebraska Can Move Into the 21st Century

Lincoln NE (SN) – COVID-19 is spreading quickly in the United States, and with those older than 60 at the highest risk, Nebraskan Millenials are daring to ask the question everyone is thinking but doesn’t have the guts to ask: Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing?

“I mean Hillary wouldn’t have been the nominee in 2016 if these silly boomers weren’t around, and it is happening again!” said one woke AF kid. “It’d be dope if they closed all of the Cracker Barrel restaurants and turned our location into some, like, art collective. Where people can host first Fridays. So when are you going to start the interview?”

A country without grandparents was especially enticing to Greg Matthews, a UNL student that was out drinking at the downtown bars Friday night instead of practicing social distancing.

“Can you imagine… a world that exists without Werther’s originals!?” he shouted over speakerphone to Smell Nebraska reporters. “No slow ass old people drivers, no more life alert commercials! No more PRUNE JUICE! LEGALIZE IT. I’D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANDREW YANG. CARONAVIRUS FOREVER! SPREAD DIS BITCH! SPREAD DIS BITCH!”

Matthews was pulled over Friday evening and subsequently charged with a DUI due to his being one of the only people driving around at 3am since everyone else has been trying to avoid travel.

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