hacky sacks, mass shootings

All Omaha Music Venues to Ban Every Band That Isn’t a Dave Matthews Band Cover Band Following Fatal Shooting

Omaha NE (SN) – In response to the, still unsolved, murder of 23 year old Michael Rowell, every musical host in the greater Omaha, Nebraska area will only allow musical guests prepared to cover songs originally written by the Dave Matthews Band.

The team decision, reluctantly came after a deadly shooting on August 9th, after a concert at the Waiting Room Lounge in Benson.

“I mean… it sucks. Dave Matthews Band and their songs suck major butt-holes,” said one Omaha venue owner who wishes to remain anonymous because they go golfing with people that love Dave Matthews Band. “We support our local music community, but who knows what kind of shady character may come out of the woodwork for a hip hop show, or a crust punk FEST, or good god there may even be ska bands that insight violence probably! It HAS to stop and the first step is censoring the artists.”

While reluctant venue owners are scrambling for quick solutions, others are happy the city of Omaha is aligning with their beliefs, for once.

“I’ve been talking about this for years,” said Jake Gardner, co-owner of The Hive, who gained notoriety in 2016 when coming out against transgender bathrooms.

“311 wrote music about UNITY, and I feel like I’m honoring that when I ask transgender folk to use the UNI…sex… bathroom,” he said. “Fuck me sideways, we’re obviously not going to let them use the women’s room, and now we are letting black and brown bands perform at our venues? This is horrible. I’m surprised only one person has been shot.”

The not-yet-endorsed 311 bar owner was quick to address the divide.

“When ANT’S MARCHING shreds into their opener cover of “What Would You Say,” my venue is the safest space anyone has ever been in,” he said. “Everyone at my venue is upper-upper-middle class, and the only threatening projectiles are Frisbee golf discs. Name one person that has been killed by a frolf, bro.”

Dave Matthews Band sucks boundless butt-holes.


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