#smellpricketts, sports n snorts

Ricketts Family to Sell Chicago Cubs Franchise

The Ricketts family, owners of TD Ameritrade and one of two Chicago based major league baseball clubs, made the announcement that they would be selling the Chicago Cubs to further invest their stake in American politics.

Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts explained the decision: “After our tepid start to the season our family feels it’s time to move on from the Chicago Cubs. I mean, they lost a game Tuesday against the Oakland Athletics. The fucking Athletics. They are basically a AAA team and we couldn’t sweep them. The Cubs just set the record for strike outs by a team to start the season by the way. I’m out.”

“We are going to use the money from the sale to help block all of this medical marijuana legislation in Nebraska. Those are the kind of stats I can get excited about. Not WHIP and BABIP. Instead of K’s per 9 we will be working on making K2 possession being a class 1 felony. Let’s get this ball rolling.  We had a lot of good momentum putting millions into reversing Nebraska’s death penalty ban.  My dad and I already put nearly a half million into murdering an inmate in Nebraska. It’s like we are playing our own game of catch with each other… but we never really played catch did we? Why didn’t we ever play catch dad? Why?”

He continued, “This is yet another reminder of how dangerous marijuana can be and why any medicinal use needs FDA oversight.”

Pete Ricketts, Laura Ricketts, Tom Ricketts, Todd Ricketts
Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts

In 2020, Nebraska voters will have an opportunity to vote for an amendment that would establish the right of patients with serious health conditions to use medical cannabis as recommended by their physician. It also authorizes the creation of a regulated system for producers, testing laboratories, and dispensaries to enable safe access to medical cannabis products. However, the Ricketts’ family-funded protests have argued the the drug has led to hundreds of overdoses across the state.

The sale of the Chicago Cubs franchise could net the Ricketts family upwards of 1 billion dollars — money the Ricketts family says they’ll spend influencing elected representatives all across the United States.

Family patriarch and founder of Ameritrade Joe Ricketts declined to comment in an interview, but responded to an email inquiry saying he was now in the business of, “unionizing politicians” for his own gain.  The comment came as a thumb in the eye to many who know Ricketts as a robust anti-unionist, as well as former employees of now-shuttered Ricketts’ owned businesses DNAinfo and The Gothamist.  Both were shut down a week after employees had voted to unionize.

Understandably, the prospective buyers of the Chicago Cubs franchise include media moguls Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, a host of wealthy republicans, and President Donald Trump himself, who know the price tag of the team will most likely come back to them in one way or another.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s