Lincoln NE (SN) – In a statement over the weekend, Governor Pete Ricketts offered thoughts and prayers to the victims in this weekend’s mass shootings in El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio. “I send our thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by these senseless shootings, and we will also raise our flags to half staff because that makes a huge difference in these sorts of things.”
Governor Ricketts saved the best for last, however. Along with sending his thoughts, he also prayed that God bring the victims back to life, and this time, God was listening.
“It’s nothing short of a miracle!” exclaimed Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “Thanks to the efforts of Governor Ricketts and others across the country, we have reached the threshold of thoughts and prayers needed to bring these mass shooting victims back to life. Looks like we dodged a bullet on this one, pun intended ‘wink’.”
Shooting victim Nicholas Cumer was of the deceased individuals brought back from the dead. “It was cool up there. I had my own cloud and everything. I saw my dead grandparents and talked to them for a while, but there were a whole bunch of other relatives I never even heard of before and I’ll be honest, I didn’t really have much to say to them. I was just about to throw a golden frisbee to my dead dog Scrappy, but then Gabriel, (we called him Gabby up there), tapped me on the shoulder and said I had to go back. Kind of bummed cuz I was just getting the hang of these tiny wings and I was thinking about taking up the lyre, but I guess I have an eternity to do that next time I die in a mass shooting.”
Ricketts had even more surprises when he announced that he arranged it with God to give the shooters, Connor Betts and Patrick Crusius, their own special section of hell. “Upon the duo’s deaths in 2067 when we finally score more of that lethal injection drug, they will be given their own winged pigman demon to stab them over and over with red hot pokers, right in their anuses, for eternity. They will also be forced to listen to Yoko Ono’s album “Starpeace” on repeat, until the end of all time.”
Cumer was not exactly excited by this news. “I mean, I hope they both spend an eternity in hell, they deserve it, but look at me. I went from an eternity in heaven back to the United States. I’m back to a society where I could be victim of a mass shooting at any moment! Just the worst. Thanks a lot guys. I’m not sure who has it worse to tell you the truth.”
God could not be reached for comment because, well, you know…