a music city without you, sorry

Machete Archive Returns, Reminds Every Other Local Musician That They Suck Balls at Their Instrument

Lincoln NE (SN) – Dozens of musical aspirations were crushed Saturday evening as Lincoln’s Machete Archive reunited to, once again, prove that they are boundlessly and technically more talented than you at their respected instruments.

The trio, who headlined a commanding line-up at Duffy’s Tavern, effortlessly pumped out jam after jam of their unique blend of instrumental progressive rock. Leaving the audience eager to give up their dreams of playing music and head back to work at Nelnet Monday morning.

“It was so dope,” gushed sobbing and black-out-drunk Bryan Claussen. “I’ve been trying to get my band ready for our first gig, but tonight, when the drummer kicked into a song called “Seven…” or maybe it was like “Fifteen?” Now I remember, it was “Six.” Anyways, I was blown away honestly. I’m selling my drums on Linconsign after I wake up in a puddle of my own barf tomorrow. I could never play something so technical! Music just isn’t for me.”

Among those that paid the cover were regulars at nearby O’Rourke’s, that reluctantly paid real money to enter a bar for once, in order to honor a bartender that will be skipping town to Florida.

“Saber Blazek can pour a mean can of Hamm’s beer” said possibly homeless person Devon Kunkel. “My boy jumped into this song called… “Twelve?” Maybe it was “Seven.” I had no idea that boy was so gifted at the bass guitar, and now he’s gone. Years and years I’m talking to a fucking guitar prodigy, and all I ever talked to him about was how I needed another Hamm’s beer. Florida is lucky to have him.”

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