patriotism, public safety

So You’re the Asshole That Is Already Firing off Fireworks

By the time you are sitting on your toilet reading this, it is likely 3:15pm. I know you were up all night drinking vodka Monster energy drink cocktails. I hope you slept well. Your six hour shift at Wendy’s starts at 4pm, so take your time. Enjoy this BM. Shit until your legs are numb. I have a lot to say.

I started my day at 5am today, as I do every day to make it to my 5:30am shift at my real life job. You probably don’t remember, but 5am was when you decided to start throwing lit packages of Black Cats in the gutter on our block, shouting to your friend Cameron that there was “too much piss in the fireworks bucket to keep using it.”

Side note: Last night was the first time I realized that vapor cigarette users that celebrate the fourth of July for an entire week don’t have the luxury of a real, actual, cigarette fire to light their Zingers onto my front porch at 3:46 in the morning. You have to use a punk smoldering stick like the eight year old boys that live across the street.

Aside from overall annoyance, your pyrotechnic show is affecting me in the following ways:

• I have an adorably cute dog that I care about a lot, at least on social media anyways. I haven’t pet this dog in the better part of six years, but I call him “doggo” on Instagram (I shared an entire hour of Dwayne on IGTV this last weekend.) Your Ladyfingers scare the living shit out of my dog, who decides at 11:03pm that he has to jump into bed with me during my 11pm visit to xhamster. I CARE ABOUT MY DOG. QUIT SCARING HIM. Follow DWAYNE on his Instagram at @DwayneEatsTurds.

• I grew up in Compton. Well.. Compton, Nebraska (North Omaha,) and nothing jolts my supple, naked, body out of my 11pm visit to xhamster than the sudden bang of an artillery shell. Do you have any idea how long it takes to scroll through “naughty step sister POV creampie” videos to find something to actually jack off to?


Also, think of the troops. Think of those crazy Iraq vets freaking out. I know this is a sore subject but it happens.

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