crime, dog shit humans

Saline County Jurors Shocked to Learn Aubrey Trail Is Maybe Not the Best Dude

Wilber NE (SN) – Punctuating a missing person search, two police warrants, regular Facebook updates from the suspects, and a storm of social media attention, it has been safe to assume the circus surrounding the defendants in the Sydney Loofe murder trial would continue.

Aubrey Trail, facing charges of murder in the first degree and criminal conspiracy to commit first-degree murder, refuses to disappoint in his quest for dog-shit-person fame. Smell Nebraska sat down (secretly) with members of the jury. (Over Snapchat.)

“The first day of the trial he kept shouting “I will not stand for this!” repeatedly,” one juror told reporters. “I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant at the time but boom, day two the guy is escorted to the courtroom in a wheelchair. He thinks he’s the next Heisenberg or something. It’s so pathetic.”

Another juror anonymously recounted an incident Monday when Trail attempted to slice his throat with an unknown object.

“That fat piece of shit muttered some bullshit, trying to act like the white gangster chick he murdered that girl with could give a rat’s ass. Mother fucker keeled over, it’s all an act. He’s begging for a Netflix series” he said. “There’s no way anyone could do sustainable damage with the small shard of glass he found in the parking lot from the jar of moonshine I finished off and shattered before jury duty! I fucking hate jury duty. Oh nobody knows what he used to try to hurt himself with yet, can this be off the record?”

Regardless of drama, the consensus of the jury promises two things: Trail is most definitely guilty, and the theatrics have JUST BEGUN.

“He wasn’t in the courtroom today after the whole slit throat thing, but the jury is fully prepared for some sort of Rocky IV Apollo Creed “Living in America” patriotic grandstanding performance entrance when he returns.” another juror added. “He’s such a douche!”

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