Lincoln NE (SN) – The mystery behind Friday morning’s reported “parking gate hate” thickened this morning as Mayor Leirion Gaylor Baird announced she was ready to publicly honor the unknown white male.
“Whoever you are, please call my office” the Mayor said in a press conference. “The $3,200 in damages is pocket change in contrast to the delightful buzz you’ve given our great city. I would like to shake your hand and present you with the key to the city.”
The unknown assailant was last seen by surveillance footage in a complete rage, hanging on a parking garage exit gate until it broke.
“Why was he so mad?” Baird shook her head. “Why was he in a parking garage without a vehicle? Why does he look 17 and 49 years old simultaneously? I love a good mystery. This man is a National treasure!”
The newly elected Mayor claimed that the relatable nature of the incident has brought the community closer, and the city of Lincoln should honor that kind of chance meeting, even with a mysterious, dweeby, dork caught in an honest documentation of “beast mode.”
“We all thought Scott Frost was going to make Nebraska a champion again, that has yet to pan out. We later faced epic floods, destroying our rural towns and rendering us Nebraska Strong, yet we all returned to fighting with each other about politics on the internet,” Leirion told reporters. “I believe, wholeheartedly, our population sees a bit of themselves in parking garage gate meltdown guy. Hashtag blessed whoever this strange man is.”