Lincoln NE (SN) – Due to the unprecedented flooding and destruction the state has endured over the last month, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts has declared April 7th as a Statewide Day of Prayer. Ricketts, eschewing the constraints of the separation of church and state and channeling his inner Charlemagne, issued the phony baloney proclamation on a gaudy letterhead, using lots of old English words, such as “whereas” and “therefore” and “whereof,” as if it was a program for an 8th grade production of “The Taming of the Shrew.” The decree has been circulating social media since March 29th.
When asked for comment, God was non-committal. “I’m flattered that everyone is looking to me for strength and all that. I mean, that’s what I expect from my flock. Blind loyalty. But really, if you think about it, I’m not going to be much help here. I mean, blizzards and floods…, you know, they are called ACTS OF GOD for a reason. I’m responsible! I’m God! I either caused it to happen as a punishment for your treatment of homosexuals and people who like to smoke weed, or I allowed it to happen, as a passive aggressive comment on your treatment of homosexuals and people who like to smoke weed. Either way, I’m out. Even if I did exist what do you expect me to do? Make hundreds of thousands of cows come back to life? Yeah right. That Job stuff was a long time ago and I’ve over it. You guys are just going to have to band together and help each other on your own. I’m super busy right now. I have a lot of villages in low lying 3rd world countries I have to go flood. I’m literally swamped. Get it? Who says I don’t have a sense of humor? Anyway, don’t spend too much time praying, maybe spend that time helping someone clean up their moldy drywall instead.”
“Oh, and one more thing!” God continued. “Stop filling up semi trucks full of crap to donate. You have good intentions and everyone appreciates it, but just donate money. That way the people suffering can buy what they need instead of sorting through a bunch of donated items they don’t need. I command it! I love making commandments. Peace out!”