crime, hot wings

Watering Hole Moving Fourth Location from Haymarket to Lancaster County Jail

Lincoln NE (SN) – Lincoln inmates are in for a treat as the Watering Hole will be moving their fourth location to the Lancaster County Department of Corrections, located on 3801 West O Street.

“This part of the cell block hasn’t normally had any options in terms of casual fine dining,” smiled Alfonzo Patterson, prisoner #818968 “The last time I had Watering Hole wings was the day before my hearing for my second DUI a couple years back… just delicious!”

The move was a bit of a spontaneous decision by owner Bryan McFarland, who made the call after getting sentenced mandatory jail time for four misdemeanors: refusing to comply with a police order, drinking on duty, drinking after-hours at a licensed premise and refusing to allow an officer to conduct a tavern investigation.

“The prison guards have had to carry extra wet wipes around, for the inmates and themselves.” Warden Bob Harmsworth sat down with Smell Nebraska. “This entire criminal population just kind of sits around eating wings all day anymore. It has certainly slowed down most incidents. We did have to change the menu pretty quickly after one little snag.”

The Warden then went on to explain that an inmate keeping the remaining chicken wing bones on their person is considered contraband.

“Our only option was to limit the menu to solely boneless wings.’ Harmsworth stated while licking bleu cheese dressing off of his fingers.

From runnin’ bars to behind bars: Bryan McFarland

McFarland promised the new location would offer the same aesthetic and atmosphere as the other gentrified Watering Hole locations.

“They installed a giant animatronic buffalo head in the cafeteria that emits vape juice from its nostrils every five minutes so that is pretty cool to watch,” Patterson told reporters. “There are also mahogany book shelves surrounding the steel bars that are lined with super old books. I’ve been thinking about learning how to read.”

As for previous complaints found on the restaurant’s Yelp page regarding long wait times for food, Alfonzo isn’t phased.

“Prisoners don’t mind waiting the extra 45 minutes to get wings that are grilled.” He stares at the tiny 2’x2′ window above his bunk, “We’ve got nothing but time.”


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