Lincoln NE (SN) – Determined to take on another Valentine’s Day alone, Michael McDermont, 36, gently nestled a boxed pizza in the shape of a heart onto his beer can cluttered coffee table.
“It has become kind of a tradition,” McDermont told reporters, “I love being single. Don’t have to worry about nothin’.”
Michael carefully laid out his Thursday plans from memory. From securing the evening off of work (at the 56th and Holdredge U-Stop location) to tracking down his old weed dealer for some edibles.
“I don’t smoke too much these days, but I always want to be a little high on the big V.D. every year. How else am I supposed to power through three of these frosted cinnamon bread sticks with my pizza? They are bigger than my wrists!” he said.
Assuming he hadn’t scoured JournalStar.com mugshots and found his dealer in the firing squad, the illegal substance pick-up was simply the first stop.
“After work I picked up the edibles and headed to the Super Saver on 48th.” Michael nodded, “I usually buy some sort of gummy snacks, and a fifth of cheap Gin. Today I also bought a few gallon jugs of water because my stepmom texted me about a big winter storm that was headed to Lincoln soon. Then of course it was off to Valentino’s!”
Michael’s night seemed like any bachelor’s dream, complete with some Nebraska men’s basketball.
“Nebraska/Minnesota was last night, but I recorded it on my DVR and refused to look at the internet all day so I could enjoy the line up for the big holiday.” He said. “I’m really pumped.”
Smell Nebraska writers fear that Michael’s confidence but blatant self deprecation were actually a quaking cry for help.
Smell Nebraska managed to find the one person who admitted to know McDermott, his step-mother. “They had to pump like sixteen kilos of buttermilk ranch out of his stomach last year, and the year before that he ate 20 heart shaped boxes of Russell Stover’s chocolates. He obviously needs someone to talk to but he only calls when he needs bailed out of jail for stalking his ex-wife. I’m over it.”
The evening took a strange turn when Smell Nebraska went back for a follow up interview, and accidentally walked in on McDermott eating candy hearts by himself, but reciting the messages in a one way conversation before eating each one. “Why thank you, I am hot stuff.” “Be mine? Of course!” “Hubba Hubba? Someone is getting a little naughty!” Smell Nebraska quietly backed out of his basement apartment and closed the door quietly.