fashion, white people

A Smell Nebraska Special Report: America in Crisis

Omaha NE (SN)- The United States is grappling with one of the worst crises in the history of our nation. It is a crisis that permeates all levels of society. It is a crisis that seemingly can’t be stopped. It is the onesie party epidemic that is now a fixture in every town, city, and village in America. There are seemingly no answers in sight.

More than nine hundred people a week get roped into a onesie party, and some experts say that number may not peak for years.

The crisis has reached such a scale that, beyond the risks it poses to public health, it is becoming a drag on the economy and really annoying to anyone at a bar not wearing a onesie. Analysts say the problem started with a fun one-time dress-up event here or there, but note that it has intensified in recent years with an influx of cheap costumes and stores that actually cater to baby outfits for full grown adults.

In recent years, the U.S. government has ramped up efforts to cut both the foreign and domestic supply of onesies, limiting the number of onesies in the United States while providing counter onesie assistance to countries including Mexico and China. Meanwhile, federal and state officials have attempted to reduce demand by focusing less on punishing onesie partiers and more on shaming them. Other countries where onesie parties have also spiked, such as Canada and Australia, are experimenting with different policies.

While onesie party-goers claim it is innocent fun to dress up like a baby and get wasted, fulfilling some weird infantile repressed desire, experts warn onesie parties can be a gateway to other troubling behaviors, like attending Comicons or furry conventions.

What can be done to combat the onesie party epidemic? Very little. Barstool opens, party buses, duck races, and desperate DJs all provide an excuse to dress up like an idiot and take beer bongs full of fireball. How many people have to puke on their Ninja Turtle onesie before our country will wake up? How many more girls have to lose their phones because their unicorn onesie has no pockets? How many dirtbag alcoholics need to have their afternoon benders ruined by large groups of beautiful young people barging into their dive bar for a round of Rumpies? How many?

The answers are not easy to find, but Smell Nebraska implores you to search your heart and do what you can to help put a stop to this asinine bullshit.

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