huge creeps, music

Clueless Nebraskan Males Thought Their City Had a Shot with Ariana Grande Concert

Omaha NE (SN) – Hearts are broken in the city of Omaha as pop star Ariana Grande canceled her scheduled April concert, performing instead at the smarter, more popular, and more attractive Coachella Festival.

“The CHI Health Center in Omaha looks like a really nice venue. I’ll always be friends with Omaha, but I think it would be best if I just do me at Coachella. I knew you’d understand. Thanks for being so cool about it, boo! xoxo” Grande tweeted.

While many Nebraskans were quick to reply with support and acceptance, some fans were horribly heartbroken by the news.

“I’m one of Ariana Grande’s biggest fans of all time,” sobbed Millard West history teacher David Lewis. “I have been following her since July when her “God is a Woman” video dropped. I really liked the video, and it’s been six months since I first saw it! Six months is a commitment if you ask me, I feel cheated and alone.”

With all nine of the other tour dates being rescheduled to accommodate the festival conflict, the history teacher was stunned to learn that Omaha was left in dust with nothing but crushed dreams and ticket refunds.

“She dated that stupid SNL guy with the teeth,” Lewis frowned. “I can’t believe she won’t give Omaha a chance. I have been crying for what feels like days. My life is completely over.”

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