Lincoln NE (SN) – It was a shitty year for most, (minus the hardest hitting real news source on the web,) but 2018 was reportedly hardest on 27 year old Rebekah Sharples.
“The year was looking promising until March, when Steven Hawking and the guy who played “Bozo the Clown” were both taken from us,” cried the downtown Lincoln barista. “My entire childhood was flipped upside down!”
Sharples announced on social media on New Years Eve that the negativity of the last year was too much to handle, and was accepting 2019 with open arms.
“I got this weird rash for a few days in April, and Donald Trump said something very offensive a few weeks after that,” she said. “Suffering through Jurassic World in June was when I came to terms with the fact that 2018 was perhaps the worst year of my entire life.”
Rebekah has been very busy since NYE posting a “2018 Year in Review” on her Instagram story, which on the morning of January 2nd is currently comprised of five hundred and thirteen 10 second videos.
“Oh my god I totally forgot this video! Shortly after Steve proposed to me we went on a road trip to tell all of our families about our engagement,” Sharples wiped tears from her eyes. “I’ll add it to my Insta story after that night in February I had drinks with my girls to celebrate my promotion! Uggh the Patriots lost the Super Bowl a few days later. 2018 was just the worst.”
Smell Nebraska reporters were too eager to continue the interview, but rather announce how much fundraiser money we received in our PO Box. (It was almost $900.) Thank you to the kind souls that care about journalism and go fuck yourself if you didn’t donate. Smell 2019! No one is safe! We’re watching every last one of you!