A Penny For Your Snoughts, Advice Column

Ask Mr. Nose It All 12/13/2018

Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, and Instagram DMs.

Dear Mr. Nose It All-
Via Instagram DM:
How do you know if someone is really into you or not?

-@macxaroni

Dear common eighth grader:
The answer is in your grasps. We just have to get you more capable of communicating with other humans. If you asked me this question personally I would answer quickly: “I’m not. Mr. Nose It All is not really into you.”

Unfortunately most Nebraskans don’t share how they really feel anymore, well excluding Libertarians and other Norris graduates on Facebook anyways, but that is okay. They don’t really count as humans for a variety of other reasons.

The important thing is to just be open and transparent, which if you are resorting to Smell Nebraska’s advice column, maybe things are too far gone for you. We’ll root for you, I mean you are one of 17 loyal readers engaging on our social media activity, but… what does any of this mean?

Macxaroni, if that is your real name. You need to reinvent yourself. I’ll be smelling you every step of the way.

-Mr. Nose It All


Dear Mr. Nose It All-
Help!
I don’t know how to tell my friends when I don’t want to hang out with them. They are all so much more extroverted than I am and sometimes I am exhausted. I need advice or some good excuses or something.

-Homebody

Dear flaky scaredy-cat:
We all do cocaine, and you can too. Do you really think I am physically capable of exiting an eight hour shift at Nelnet to early cocktails, turning into a costly pre-First Friday dinner at the Oven? Do you really think I have the patience and inhibition to burp my Indian dishes under the roofs of 8 different art galleries while pretending to give a shit about anything or even offering a thread of enthusiasm for a $65 painting painted by someone that was quite obviously doing cocaine if I wasn’t doing cocaine?

 I was doing cocaine, and frankly you need to grow up.

-Mr. Nose It All


Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, Instagram DMs.

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