traffic report

Lincoln Drivers Perfect Right-Hand Turn by Easing Ever So Slightly Into the Lane on Their Left

Lincoln NE (SN) – Ice hazards have almost entirely melted from the roads of Lincoln due to sightly higher temperatures, yet daily commutes are still being delayed. While some experts are blaming the increase of cars on the roads due to holiday shopping, Smell Nebraska’s traffic team has reached an alternative conclusion: People from Nebraska drive like fucking idiots.

“I just can’t believe how dumb all the drivers are in this Gateway Mall parking lot,” said Granite City waitress Darlene Montgomery from her car at a stop sign. “Sorry, pause the interview. I have to play this Vegas slots game on my phone real quick. You earn points you can actually use on the Vegas strip!”

Gateway Mall’s parking situation is reportedly a mess, sitting neck and neck with the SouthPointe Pavilions and neighboring Scheels Sporting Goods.

“I was just trying to get to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy my grandchildren some “As Seen on TV” crap that they don’t want,” said 86 year old Linda Nisbet. “I got in that round-a-thing at Pine Lake and just couldn’t figure it out. After driving in a circle for twelve minutes, I had no choice but to abandon my Buick there and brave the snow. I got as far as this Trader Joe’s place. Everyone there was a snooty asshole. My Christmas is ruined. I called AAA and they got me home.”

With others blaming Lincoln’s senior citizen community, we must not forget about the young teen drivers also on the road.

“My favorite thing to do is jump out of a residential onto 27th street at the very last second and force the driver to ride my ass going 22 MPH from South street all the way to HW2,” snickered Lincoln East student Trent Kertis. “Anything North or South of that sweet spot is multi-lane drag race territory. I try to race anyone I can! I take video of all of it and then post the swag stuff to my Insta story at red lights.”

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