childhood obesity, pizza week

11 Year Old Boy Airlifted from Valentino’s Buffet in Apparent Buttermilk Ranch Overdose

Lincoln NE (SN) – A father/son outing turned tragic Thursday evening as 11 year old Timmy Hauser was flown by helicopter from Valentino’s Buffet to the Bryan LGH West Child ICU in a now confirmed overdose of buttermilk ranch dressing.

“One minute we were cracking jokes over our twenty first slices of pizza, the next his face just plopped onto his plate,” sobbed Jimmy Hauser, the boy’s father.

Doctors expect that little Timmy will make a full recovery, but had some concerns about the boy’s general physical health.

“The child is showing dangerous signs of early obesity. He was in the 90th percentile for body mass index, and his blood pressure and blood sugar were significantly abnormal for a child his age,” said Bryan West Pediatrician Gary Nelson.

Jimmy Hauser was quick to dismiss the doctor’s observations.

“We’ve always been a big family. My father was a big guy, and his father too. It is genetic,” he said with confidence. “Val’s buffet is like fucking $10! We’re going to get our money’s worth!”

Hauser was not entirely clear as to how his son consumed enough buttermilk ranch dressing to become hospitalized, but it appears to be related to his aforementioned “genetics.”

“Our entire family puts buttermilk ranch on our soft serve ice cream. Salty sweet is a very popular and innovative flavor profile,” he said.

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