deck the halls, taxpayer dollars

Downtown Lincoln Association Approves Random Numbered Christmas Decorations for 2018

Lincoln NE (SN) – The Downtown Lincoln Association has approved a measure to decorate O street with random numbered Christmas decorations for the 11th year in a row.

“We find these confusing illuminated numbers really fill people with holiday spirit,” said spokesperson Betty Johnson. “People drive from miles around to look at the numbers and think about the numbers… and then take pictures with the numbers.”

The downtown association will be hanging up the numbers ‘3’, ‘6’, ‘7’, and ‘9’ for the 2018 holiday season.  All decorations are illuminated with LED lights and feature a seemingly randomly selected animal.  Smell Nebraska failed to find anyone in downtown Lincoln who understood what the decorations represented, other than being random Christmas decorations.

Local panhandler Dale Simpson weighed in on the decorations: “I don’t know what the fuck these things are supposed to mean. Like, there are some ducks on that one. Some bird on another one with a great big ‘7’. I hang out all day underneath the ‘3.’ Maybe the city could spend money on finding me a sandwich instead of wasting it on these lights. You got any change brother?”

Local resident Connie Abraham was concerned. “How am I supposed to explain this to my children?” she said. “What do these decorations mean? I don’t think anyone knows. Why are there some numbers and not other ones? Is that a chicken? Why is Walgreens ‘6’ and Duffy’s is ‘7?’ What business is ‘8?’ Thanks Obama.”

Despite the apparent confusion of the public, Johnson is excited for decorating next year.

“We are looking forward to 2019, as we may have an ’11’ by this time next year! It would be a Christmas miracle!” she exclaimed.

The Lincoln Downtown Association is currently exploring ways to waste money on decorations for Arbor Day and Independence Day.

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