Atlanta GA (SN) – Less than 24 hours after the Center of Disease Control and Prevention announced a multi-state outbreak of E. coli producing romaine lettuce, scientists have discovered that the only real sickness was some politically induced family drama.
“I’ll tell you what makes me sick at the dinner table” said disgruntled CDC investigator Herbert Rakin. “My entitled Democratic granddaughter Hanna.”
Herbert then elaborated on his fabricated discovery of the tainted produce.
“Those reports are so easy to fake” he told reporters. “I figured a staple salad ingredient would prevent little Hanna from coming to my Thanksgiving and spoutin’ off about her “Bernie this” and her “me too” whatever. She doesn’t eat meat, so a case of spooky salads seemed like a sure way to keep her away.”
The soon to be terminated employee had some choice words to add about his fake news report being foiled by “the spoiled millennials, Killary, and fake news reports.”
“I’m not being fired for lying about the romaine lettuce, but I do have to “retire” he added. “The way Hanna and her radical friends have been voting, an honest guy like me probably wouldn’t have a pension to [forcibly] retire on! This country is going straight to hell.”
Things aren’t all so bad for Herbert, who received a confirmation from his granddaughter that she will absolutely not be attending his Thanksgiving celebration after becoming aware of the ruse.
“I’m happy to serve the bird without her. Last year she wouldn’t stop yammering about some “non-binary” thing she was working on” Rakin shook his head. “I’m all thumbs when it comes to computers. I don’t know what the hell she was talking about.”