Lincoln NE (SN) - The Downtown Lincoln Association has approved a measure to decorate O street with random numbered Christmas decorations for the 11th year in a row. “We find these confusing illuminated numbers really fill people with holiday spirit," said spokesperson Betty Johnson. "People drive from miles around to look at the numbers and… Continue reading Downtown Lincoln Association Approves Random Numbered Christmas Decorations for 2018
Atlanta GA (SN) - Less than 24 hours after the Center of Disease Control and Prevention announced a multi-state outbreak of E. coli producing romaine lettuce, scientists have discovered that the only real sickness was some politically induced family drama. "I'll tell you what makes me sick at the dinner table" said disgruntled CDC investigator… Continue reading CDC Romaine Lettuce Warning Revealed as Ploy to Keep Vegan Socialist Granddaughter from Family Thanksgiving
Lincoln NE (SN) - On election day, 53% of the city voted in favor of the amendment meticulously crafted by his opponents to keep mayor Chris Beutler from running for his forth term, and the 51st Mayor of Lincoln has reportedly checked out mentally. "The economy is doing great, Lincoln is growing, and thriving as… Continue reading Lame Duck Mayor Beutler All out of Fucks to Give
Lincoln NE (SN) - In a world where a video of a baby panda sneezing gets you 300 likes on Facebook while your upcoming show at the Royal Grove gets a single like from your mom, Lincoln rock band Night Push seems to have cracked the code. "A couple years ago, I just started making… Continue reading Night Push Continues to Pump Out Lincoln’s Best Sounding Facebook Memes
Lincoln NE (SN) - Just days after the announcement of closing, a buyer has emerged from the shadows proving to the city of Lincoln that the dimly lit Tam O'Shanter bar and steakhouse will never die. "They had an auction scheduled for this upcoming Sunday and everything. Nice try!" said the buyer. "You aren't going… Continue reading Tam O’Shanter’s Carpeted Walls Live to See Another Sad Drunk Person
Lincoln NE (SN) - After two years of brews, pinball, and run-off creeps from the Night Before Lounge, the Dutch Uncle is closing it's doors for good. "It was just time" said a former bartender. "I'll never forget those Rick and Morty viewing parties though." The property, located at 317 S 11th street, was quick… Continue reading Dutch Uncle Closes, Reopens with New Management as “When You Fart Under the Covers Tavern”
Lincoln NE (SN) - With the Democratic "Blue Wave" in Nebraska looking more like a blue gas station slushie ignorantly thrown next to a recycle bin outside a vapor cigarette store, the left is pointing the blame to lazy and pompous Millennials in the Midwest. "We are enrolling our youth in these silly arts and… Continue reading Left Wing Youth Decided Not to Vote, Blue Wave Would Have Meant Less Likes on Their Political Facebook Posts
Lincoln NE (SN) - In a campaign ad, Senator Deb Fischer proudly proclaims that they call her “blunt” in Washington. A quick survey of her colleagues shows that is not exactly true. “I don’t know about ‘blunt,’ says Senate Minority Leader Chuck Shumer (D-NY). “We call her something very close to that, but not ‘blunt.’… Continue reading Deb Fischer Mistakenly Believes They Call Her “Blunt” in Washington
Lincoln NE (SN) - Interns for Congressman Jeff Fortenberry have had a busy weekend, as they have been forced to call each individual who liked a picture on Facebook of a vandalized Fortenberry campaign sign. “It’s been a long weekend,” says staff intern Ben Samuels. “I have to figure out who these people are, their… Continue reading Fortenberry Interns Forced to Call Thousands of People Who Liked the Googley-Eyed Fartenberry Facebook Picture
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