gambling, local government

Nebraska Powerball Tickets to be Printed on Cheap, Single-Ply Toilet Paper for Addicted Low Income Parents

Lincoln NE (SN) – Things are abuzz at the Nebraska Lottery headquarters in Lincoln with the jackpot rising to $620 million on Wednesday. Lottery officials are in awe of wise investments from Nebraskans and ready to expand their methods of “giving back to the community.”

“We at Nebraska Lottery headquarters are just blessed to be receiving such a steady flow of business” said Government employee Ned Crownover“May I offer your news crew to some lobster tail? It is lobster tail Wednesday. Melts in your mouth!”

Crownover continued by elaborating on the Nebraska Lottery’s “704 Millions Back to Nebraska” slogan.

This could be your legacy.

“Does anyone need a top-off on their glass of Cristal?” he snapped his fingers to a butler. “Anyways, the beauty here is that our state Government runs the lottery program, so every penny goes back into Nebraska. Governments just know how to handle money better than businesses. It’s as simple of that.”

The state employee is not planning on slowing down in regards to finding additional ways in rewarding Nebraskans for their gambling habits, either.

“The selfless people who buy our Powerball or scratch tickets are doing such a great service to their own communities. I’d love for us to find a way to make the tickets themselves more sustainable” he told reporters while wiping lobster butter off of his face with a Ben Franklin. “I was thinking we could print the tickets on toilet paper. Give these hard working Nebraskans a break from their Walmart visits. Sure the tickets could clog toilets but that would only help hard working local plumbers who are probably also addicted to gambling. It is really a beautiful thing.”

The winning numbers will be announced every Wednesday and Saturday at 9:59 p.m. Central Time. Get winning numbers at (, from your favorite radio or television station or Nebraska Lottery Lotto retailer, in your local newspaper or USA Today, or on the Players Hotline at 1-800-224-LUCK (5825) or in Lincoln at 402-471-6139.

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