health, netflix, Slow Nuesday

CDC Reports Outbreak of Nebraskans Missing 2 Days of Work to Binge Watch New Season of “Making a Murderer”

Lincoln NE (SN) – Businesses across the country are doubling up on hand sanitizer as an influx of employees are coming down with the “Netflix and chills” following the entertainment streamer’s sudden release of the entire second season of the crime docuseries “Making a Murder.”

“It hit me, like, out of the blue” said Nelnet employee Brady Clopton. “I was checking my email on my phone before work, and bam! Just like that I was laid up all day this Monday. I won’t give anything away but I’m really starting to feel like Avery is completely innocent.”

Clopton is of course referring to Manitowoc County, Wisconsin native Steven Avery, who, with his nephew Brendan Dassey were tried and (spoiler alert) convicted of the 2005 murder of Teresa Halbach. The story was explored on an American true crime documentary television series that premiered on Netflix on December 18, 2015.

Brendan Dassey trying to get back to class because he has a project due in sixth hour.

“I’ll never forget Christmas 2015” growled Nelnet Director of Operations Kent Wheatland. “Bad enough we have our god damn employees missing shifts for Christmas and New Years. Suddenly we were short staffed so everyone could sit on their asses and feel sorry for some autistic pro wrestling fan and his Nascar fan dog-shit uncle.”

Wheatland was incredibly frustrated about the release of season 2.

“The guy lit a fucking cat on fire” he shouted. “He’s guilty. Of course I watched it. Look will you get back to work? End of interview.”

My boss “Kent Wheatland” exchanged his anonymity for a day off last Wednesday for me to binge season 2! We’re taking you to Wrestlemania, Brendan!

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