school lunches, smell the kids

Nebraska School Served Non-Vegan, Non-Gluten-Free Meat in Chili; Yoga Teacher Superintendent Says It Won’t Happen Again

Beatrice NE (SN) – A Beatrice elementary school is in a stockpot of hot water Friday as news broke of the school cafeteria serving a non-vegan, non-gluten-free chili to their students.

This news comes just days after the discovery that a junior/senior high school in the Panhandle had served a kangaroo meat chili earlier this month.

“Our children are fucking hicks, man” said the Potter-Dix Superintendent Mike Williams. “I cut a deal with a local Outback Steakhouse for kangaroo meat AT COST. I was only trying to give these children a shred of CULTURE. It won’t happen again.”

The school official’s intentions were, of course, much different than the Superintendent of Stoddard Elementary school in Beatrice, who had no knowledge of the culinary scandal.

Stoddard Elementary school Superintendent and part time yoga instructor and health coach Sarah Hollenbeck-Moore.

“This is an outrage” shouted Stoddard Superintendent and yoga instructor Sarah Hollenbeck-Moore. “I am a part time yoga instructor and health coach. It will take months to erase the damage this meal of murder and gluten did to my students!”

Hollenbeck-Moore showed reporters some videos she had found on Facebook and continued.

“Just a short WHIFF of the gluten in this chili caused me to have short spells of dizziness for the last few days” she said. “Almost every night this week before bed I have yawned uncontrollably. Imagine what an entire bowl is doing to the children, and I haven’t even gotten started on how dangerous these flu-shots are. I’m part time yoga instructor and health coach, I think it would be a good idea for the reporters to stick around after the interview? I have a few videos that you need to watch.”

Our staff reports they were stuck for the better part of an hour and a half tasting strange grains that the Superintendent claimed had “healing qualities.”

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