Lincoln NE (SN) - It is Halloween in the Star City, and drunken college students are eagerly putting the finishing touches to a wild array of costumes to wear downtown tonight so that one of their friends on social media can become horribly offended. "Oh you're a breathalyzer. Well, as someone that has gotten three… Continue reading “Pissy, Know-It-All, Offended, Social Justice Warrior” Deemed Only Non-Offensive Halloween Costume
Gretna NE (SN) - Halloween is almost upon us in the "Not For Everyone" state, and nothing is getting spookier than the dwindling bank accounts of Nebraskan parents, swindled into debt tombs at the state's local pumpkin patch attractions. "You know what's scary? Paying $45 dollars for me and my children to stand in line… Continue reading Vala’s, Roca Berry Farm Pumpkin Patches Compete for Most Expensive Fried Dough
Lincoln NE (SN) - Things are abuzz at the Nebraska Lottery headquarters in Lincoln with the jackpot rising to $620 million on Wednesday. Lottery officials are in awe of wise investments from Nebraskans and ready to expand their methods of "giving back to the community." "We at Nebraska Lottery headquarters are just blessed to be… Continue reading Nebraska Powerball Tickets to be Printed on Cheap, Single-Ply Toilet Paper for Addicted Low Income Parents
Lincoln NE (SN) - Businesses across the country are doubling up on hand sanitizer as an influx of employees are coming down with the "Netflix and chills" following the entertainment streamer's sudden release of the entire second season of the crime docuseries "Making a Murder." "It hit me, like, out of the blue" said Nelnet… Continue reading CDC Reports Outbreak of Nebraskans Missing 2 Days of Work to Binge Watch New Season of “Making a Murderer”
Beatrice NE (SN) - A Beatrice elementary school is in a stockpot of hot water Friday as news broke of the school cafeteria serving a non-vegan, non-gluten-free chili to their students. This news comes just days after the discovery that a junior/senior high school in the Panhandle had served a kangaroo meat chili earlier this… Continue reading Nebraska School Served Non-Vegan, Non-Gluten-Free Meat in Chili; Yoga Teacher Superintendent Says It Won’t Happen Again
Voyaging as far away from either ocean as you can in the United States of America, you may stumble across Nebraska. We are a simple and proud bunch, after all, we live THE GOOD LIFE. We may be as bland as the white mom one-note chili cooked by one-note white Midwestern moms, but our non-spiced… Continue reading Nebraska Changes Tourism Slogan: “Our Football Team Doesn’t Win and Our Governor Looks Like A Human Cock”
Lincoln NE (SN) - Fried confection scientists at Hurts Donut Company's Lincoln location announced Wednesday that they had finally mastered a new donut recipe that won't completely tear up the roof of your mouth on the first bite rendering the entire experience very unpleasant. Smell Nebraska reporters sat down with head baker Nancy Spaulding at… Continue reading Hurts Donut Lincoln Unveiling New Donut That Doesn’t Completely Destroy the Roof of Your Mouth
Omaha NE (SN) - Record high temperatures, extreme rainfall, heavy wind, lightning events, and blizzard conditions are all getting their turn in this Nebraska autumn season, leaving meteorologists scratching their heads. "We're just going to start making shit up at this point" admitted Omaha meteorologist Carla Shea-Simonds. "Honestly I don't even have any other options. The… Continue reading Meteorologists Warn There Could Be Weather in Nebraska as Early as This Morning
Lincoln NE (SN) - Lincoln road workers have been busy on many of the city's major arteries of commute for months, resulting in a slew of complaints about slow traffic, and Lincoln city officials wondering if the progress should stay permanent to avoid backlash. "I guess their reasoning is, if it stays shitty forever, it… Continue reading Entirety of 27th Street Lincoln to Be Reduced to a Single Lane Construction Zone Forever
Did you know that every time you "Like" one of our Instagram photos, Facebook posts, or Twitter Tweets, a loving warmth rushes over our the editorial staff? Suddenly all of their hard work wasn't for nothing, and the post-lunch slump of their shift at Nelnet is just a little less shitty as fuck. Did you… Continue reading Complete Idiots Think Our Articles Are Real – Here’s How You Can Help
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