Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, and Instagram DMs.
Dear Mr. Nose It All-
Help! I just moved here for college, my new roommate and I got too drunk about a week ago and ended up sleeping together. Should… we talk about it? Pretend it never happened? Things are kind of weird right now as it stands.
Help!
-New Lincolnite
Dear horn-doggy:
You need to get way too drunk again with your roommate in order to have the courage to discuss this, and I would recommend doing so in a very pubic place, this will likely keep you from reaching into each other’s pants like a couple of fucking freaks.
Go to the Railyard this weekend for the Husker game. Husker game days are the only time anybody hangs out there anymore, but if you can muster the patience to wait 25 minutes for a drink at Gate 25 because the bartenders are busy looking at their phones, it’ll be worth the wait. They over-pour AND serve to minors.
Once you’re good and liquored up, point at the giant outdoor screen projecting the game and say, “Troy Trojans… Makes me think about condoms… We used condoms last week, right?” and laugh as if you are just making a joke and actually remember whether or not it was even decent sex.
Chug your over-poured vodka cranberries and head to the bar for the next round. The honesty will start flowing before anyone else there even realizes the Husker’s are about to lose another game.
-Mr. Nose It All
Dear Mr. Nose It All-
Hypothetically speaking…if I stole a car and drove to Alabama with a trunk full of Ritz crackers, a beta max copy of a My Two Sons marathon, a case of Tucks pads, and a borrowed jockstrap, how long would it take for me to achieve enlightenment?
Sub question: Do you know how much herbal tea you have to drink to keep meth from showing up on a drug test? HMU!
-Enlightenment Seeker
Dear downtown Lincoln line-cook:
I got a lot of respect for you, my dude. Decoding your cargo, here’s my take:
You tell your new friends in the South that you are a traveling food challenge person, and your specialty is holding the world record for most Ritz crackers eaten in under five minutes. You can lie about any existing record holders since you are in Alabama where everyone is an idiot, but let’s be real, you are high on enough crystal meth right now that you could easily eat a couple hundred Ritz crackers in that 300 seconds.
Trick these slow-talking small-town gomers into wagering money. COLLECT, SON.
Once you are all out of Ritz crackers and methamphetamine you take those fat pockets to the nearest Best Buy and buy a sick movie projector, the local Goodwill for a used Beta Max player, and the big truck stop for a cigarette lighter power converter and a sixer of the domestic beer of your choice!
Head out to the sticks. Find an old abandoned barn or house in the middle of Alabama. I’m thinking a Jenny from Forrest Gump throwing rocks at her abusive father style structure. Get your projector all set up to your car and new Beta Max, and project that (It’s My THREE Sons, btw,) marathon onto the side of the building!
Drink the sixer. Use the jockstrap as a slingshot to break some windows and drive my Forrest Gump reference home, oh and those Tuck’s pads will probably come in handy while you are shitting dry cracker crumbs out of your ass.
Sounds like nirvana to me. I can’t be the only person that just got goosebumps.
-Mr. Nose It All.
Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, Instagram DMs.
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