Good morning you miserable bastard. How good of Nelnet to give you the day off for Labor day. I heard they only did that for you! You better get on social media if you haven’t already to tout your well deserved three day weekend. I’m here to give you some pointers on how to get the most out of your Monday celebration.
Tip #1: Go to every place in town where somebody actually has to work.
I recommend a buffet for your late lunch. Don’t tip a dime and every time the server comes to fill up your Dr. Pepper make a wisecrack about how you have the day off to do whatever you please. I suggest Golden Corral or Valentino’s. Stay away from China Buffets. They don’t believe in a day off so it will be business as usual and no one will be hurt by your arrogant and poorly timed remarks.
Before you head home to food coma, hit up a busy grocery store. Ask a bunch of questions, and bring a lot of coupons. Cause a big stink in the check-out line because your Better Cheddars cost eighteen cents more than they are supposed to. Remind the cashier that it is your day off, and then pay in all change.
After your nap and post buffet nap dump, head on down to Jack’s Bar. I bet the bartender there would love to hear you yammer on about how it’s going to be a short work week for you before the “First” Husker game. Pay in change again. Get sloppy!
Drive home. The worst thing that could happen is you may have an unexpected FOUR DAY WEEKEND!
Tip #2: Stay home and take a stance on this whole “New Eminem Record” thing.
Don’t listen to the album. Just share some memes or join in on the commentary. Pick a side! I personally feel like this is going to be the most important argument of the next eight hours, or at least until you get a name to the meteorologist that fucked us out of our Husker game on Saturday, leaving you out in the rain as you quickly sobered up, wondering what on Earth you did to deserve this.
Tip #3: Frisbee golf.
I mean, obviously you Frolf. You aren’t an animal. Do a few more dabs and let’s toss some Eagle’s, brah.
Well that does it for the tips. Nice work with your laboring, you fucking laborer. You deserve today. Get at it! Go into BEASTMODE or whatever! -Mr. Nose It All