candy, the homeless

Mars Candy to Honor Local Vagrants Outside O Street Walgreens for Buying Franchise out of Skittles

McClean, VA (SN) – The homeless population in downtown Lincoln is seeing the light of the end of the tunnel in regards to Summer heat indexes, and what cooler news than finding out a few of their own are being flown all expenses to McClean, VA to accept an award.

Mars Candy Incorporated has reportedly planned a prestigious awards ceremony to honor small businesses and other individuals responsible for purchasing the largest recorded volumes of their candy products. We spoke with Mars CEO Grant F. Reid at a press conference.

“We were pleased to discover that just under the Lubbock Public Schools booster program, who sold 15 million dollars worth of our Snickers candy bars to the obese Texas community, remained a homeless trio from Nebraska that came in second with over 11 million dollars worth of our Skittles fruit-flavored sweets” Reid said.

skittles02
Delicious Skittles Candy.

The trio, comprised of homeless legend Jonny Anderson, George “the Enforcer” Nelson, and their emaciated unnamed dog that they use to guilt people into falling for their panhandling schemes, were reportedly hosed off in the Lincoln Airport parking lot before being flown straight to Virginia on the candy enterprise’s dime.

Our reporters had an exclusive sit-in with Anderson as he prepared their acceptance speech.

“You know there were days, those scorching hot days, where I felt like maybe we could have used our money in a different way” Jonny admitted. “We could have bought some $3 Dasani water bottles for the two of us and our ol’ pal Emaciated Dog, shit, we could have at least bought some liquor!”

It seems things are looking up for Anderson and his friends.

“If you put your mind to it, and a few tricks, you can eat the most hard sugar shells imprinted with the letter “S” out of anyone” he wiped a tear from his face. “Mars has us set for life! Do you have any change you can spare, brother?”

Jonny Anderson proceeded to shout at reporters for not giving him more than a dollar and unveiled the trio’s new panhandling destination in Washington D.C.

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