huskers, sports n snorts

Lincoln Bartenders Excited For Husker Season to Make Money, Hate Everyone

Lincoln NE (SN) – With the first game of the Nebraska Cornhusker football season just a week away, Lincoln bartenders are gearing up to make a lot of money while hating every customer they serve.

“I love football season,” says Longwell’s bartender Matt Paxton. “I can make enough money to pay all my rent and bills in one day. It’s great. The only problem is I hate every Husker fan I come in contact with. They are the worst. And they never tip.”

The Railyard in Lincoln before it went totally bankrupt last year.

Barry’s waitress Claire James shares Paxton’s enthusiasm. “I’m working a double shift for the Akron game. It’s gonna be a long one but I can usually get enough for my car payment and student loans just from tips alone, so it’s worth it. The only problem is these annoying Husker fans bothering me for drinks ALL DAY LONG. Ugh. Gimme a break, and they are the WORST tippers.

Husker fans who accidentally wander into O’Rourke’s will meet with an unexpected level of hostility. Bartender Dan Simmons has a plan on how to deal with the rowdy revelers. “If they come in here and ask for a vodka Redbull I’m just gonna say ‘No. How about a Miller High Life?’ If they have a problem with that I’ll tell them they can just go to Brother’s where there are actual people there that give a shit about football.”

Husker fans are scheduled to start drinking at 10 AM to prepare for the 7 PM night game against Akron on Saturday. Lincoln bartenders are planning to be “so over it” by 4 PM.

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