Okay you fresh fish… listen up. My name is Mr. Nose It All and I am here to tell you how shit works around here. If you haven’t met me yet you will soon because I mass add people on Instagram every single day like a lowlife Mary Kay cosmetics consultant.
- First order of business: Boycott the Railyard.
We locals have been working incredibly hard to ensure this area of Lincoln fails as fast as humanly possible, even though we literally voted “yes” on the project. Our reporters have even written a handful of mildly successful news items related to the district going belly up. I don’t give a fuck that Mellow Mushroom is so “edgy” with their obvious marijuana culture hints, just go drink underage at THE BAR with the others. I’m only going to say this once. You’re either with us or you’re against us. You have been warned.
- Those dirty washboard playing homeless guys.
Yes, there are two guys that play the washboard on downtown O street. The white guy, however, is an impostor. He showed up way late in the game and he is a dick head poser. Don’t support him. Also don’t “dance” or bob your head to either of them. You look like a fucking idiot. Just go to Raising Cane’s. You’re fucked up on synthetic marijuana and cheap booze. You are an embarrassment.
- If you find yourself attractive, and you actually are attractive, go to Iguana’s.
This has been heavily disputed in the past, but our team is confident that the hottest people go to Iguana’s. Some townies may lead you to believe that you should go to Sandy’s and drink their orange-juice-date-rape drink, but it is just a ploy to date-rape you. You can also go to the Fat Toad, but once you open up that Pandora’s box you will be committed to sliding half-naked on ice to the establishment freezing your tits off in February. You can wear a jacket to Iguana’s I think. Iguana’s is safe. Well as safe as Lincoln can get, dude-man-bro wise.
- The fishbowl.
There is a legendary bar on O street called Duffy’s Tavern that sells these gimmick fish bowls full of boozy drinks. They are incredible but the recipes are set up to keep only the most exclusive alcoholic satisfied. Be sure to ask your Duffy’s bartender for an extra two scoops of sugar with your fishbowl, or be prepared to suck a flavorless disaster through your three foot straw. Things just aren’t even remotely sweet enough. You’re welcome.
- You live in Nebraska.
This is most important. Get over yourself. You could have gone to college in California, Florida, or New York. You chose “huh-hurr” Nebraska. Quit acting like you are king. Nobody is king here. We are all slaves on this life-support planet and we will never, ever, find true happiness. Love is dead. So sneak some everclear into your dorm room with a laundry basket, blend it in a blender with a Runza runza and a slice of Val’s hamburgeriest. Bottoms up, kid, your life peaked a couple of months ago. Also Nelnet, your ultimate career, is hiring. Hit them up. Also ask your parents if you still have dental coverage. That concrete bread at Yia-Yia’s is dangerous.
Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, and Instagram DMs.