clear liquor, the catholic church

Barton or McCormick Vodka? Pius X Freshmen Decide Who’s Supreme

Lincoln NE (SN) – The Pius X Catholic High School freshmen are already neck deep in homework and Hail Mary’s. What better way to recharge their batteries over the school year than binge drinking the cheapest vodka money can buy.

Smell Nebraska reporters attended a rich kid black out party to get the scoop.

“Swag fam! I’m seeing like triple right now” shouted freshman Martin Munsen. “You know who is a bitch? Sister Christine is a bitch. I’d totally bone her though dude. Keep it “a hunded.” Someone pass me the bottle!”

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Pius X High School in Lincoln, NE.

The bottle he referenced was none other than a 1.75 liter plastic bottle of Barton vodka that Martin’s older sister bought at Super Saver with the $10.99 the students scraped together out of their “Colby Ridge Fund.”

“Jesus Christ I’m so fucked up” Freshman Steven Vanvalkenburgh. “Really though. It is good to numb the pain. I am so scared one of the priests is going to sexually assault me. Have you read about what is going on in Pennsylvania?”

Vanvalkenburgh was referencing the long-awaited state grand jury report into sexual abuse in six Pennsylvania Catholic dioceses that revealed over 301 priest were sexual predators to underage boys and girls.

“Bishop Conley didn’t do shit! What did he do exactly? Tell me what it is he did” Steven shouted drunkenly. “He admitted that they covered this shit up for years and that he hopes we will accept his apology? I live in a world of fear. No wonder atheism is on the rise. Let’s do more shots fam!”

The party concluded with all of the children holding each other crying, praying about the reality of the long standing corruption of the Catholic church, and ultimately vomiting all over each other and passing out.

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