executions, politics

Governor Pete Ricketts Finally Completes His Life’s Work of Killing a Death Row Inmate Just Days Before His 54th Birthday

Lincoln NE (SN) – The stars have aligned, and Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts will finally fulfill a campaign promise, executing a death row inmate, and just days shy of his 54th birthday on Sunday, August 19th.

An aide reported the Governor is “obviously, very excited.”

“Unless some bull-shit red tape of an appeal spawns out of nowhere, 60-year-old Carey Dean Moore will be executed by the state of Nebraska at 10 a.m. Tuesday” he said.

Taking place at the Nebraska State Penitentiary in Lincoln, this lethal injection will be Nebraska’s first execution in over 20 years, and the first since voters reinstated the death penalty in 2016, after the Legislature had voted to abolish capital punishment in the state.

“Most guy’s mid-life crisis involve buying a sports car. Rickets wants to see the life leave someone’s eyes” Joe Ricketts, the Governor’s father, told reporters. “He is such a special little guy. I’m so proud of him.”

Carey Dean Moore will be put to death with a combination of drugs that have never been used before to execute a human: diazepam, fentanyl, and cisatracurium, noting the fourth drug, potassium chloride, has been suggested to cause serious pain for the inmate.

“I always had that whole Chicago Cubs thing” Pete’s father added. “Pete’s never had a thing. He hasn’t done anything but lose all of his hair in 1981 and chase this death penalty dream. Finally. My Petey will go down as the guy that put a man to death in Nebraska for the first time in 20 years. I’m sorry I’ll be missing your early birthday party! You know the drill, business meetings.”

Nebraska’s Governor’s birthday party is being held a few days early at the Nebraska State Penitentiary in Lincoln. There will be a bouncy house, giant cake “injected” with devil’s food cake icing, a countdown to the execution, and a magician that can make brown people “disappear.”

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