Lincoln NE (SN) – It was no surprise for Lincoln residents to find a fresh bag of phone books on their front steps last week, after all, it had been at least three months since the last time it happened.
While 99% of these phone books are forced to face morning dew, extreme heat, and rainstorms before ultimately being thrown away in the garbage, YellowBook, the publisher, were surprised their $50 incentive didn’t at least get the directories in the homes for once.
“We are so sick of going unnoticed, so we wrote $50 checks and put them in the center of every phone book” YellowBook CEO Jim Stuppard told reporters. “It was heavily detailed in the first three pages! Back to the drawing board…”
Stuppard went on to elaborate on a few other attempts to keep the dying print alive for just a little longer, with even 84 year old grandmothers able to get any number they need from “the Google.”
“For a while we tried mailing a phone book a week to every house, but that just made everyone even more mad” He frowned. “We also paid Spectrum/Time Warner Cable upwards of 30 million dollars to get them to bully their customers into keeping landlines connected at their houses. A lot of good that did.”
The CEO did promise that all of the checks floating around in people’s garbage cans are still completely ready for deposit. So be sure to go through as many trash bins as possible!
Send your $50 check to SmellNebraska.org. For fucks sake it is a lot of work being Nebraska’s most exclusive news source for free.