A Penny For Your Snoughts, Advice Column

Ask Mr. Nose It All 7/27/2018

Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, and Instagram DMs.

Dear Mr. Nose It All-
I am dating someone who I don’t agree with politically. Is this a bad reason to dump him? He didn’t vote for Trump but he DID vote for Gary Johnson… How can I reconcile this?

Dear political junkie:
You live in America. There is a dogshit-person shouting “Free country!” while shoving a fellow American in a Puerto Rico shirt at this exact moment. Tell your political foe “thanks for the discussion” and move on. It will never work. If Bruce Willis and Demi Moore couldn’t save their marriage due to mirrored voter registrations, you two are fucked. They were perfect for each other.

I abruptly ended a first date once because she suggested that “Guitar Hero” was just a fleeting fad. Man, I was wrong. Maybe you should hold on to this one, at least until the generals. I suddenly feel so sad. Oh Holly, you were right, and I just stormed out of Fazoli’s, leaving you with the fifteen extra bread sticks I supplicated from the kooky bread stick lady. I always told myself you ate them so they didn’t go to waste.

Update: I just found Holly’s Facebook and she is married with five kids. Is there an advice column that I can submit to? I am so broken and alone.

smallmrnoseDear Mr. Nose It All-
I don’t know how to say this in medical terms, so I’m just gonna come out with it…I think I have dick lice. I’ve been spending a lot of time on North 27th…if you know what I mean. I should tell you, this is nothing new. I’ve always had an affinity for…umm…North 27th, but lately there seem to be repercussions. I don’t get it!! Sordid sexual encounters have been my thing since high school! Ask anyone that knows me, they’ll tell you. They’ll also tell you prophylactics are not his thing. So what? Sue me. I’m a guy who knows what he wants, and a thin layer of polyurethane ain’t it. Sooo, anyway…it itches really bad. I tried using a hot curling iron to burn the little bastards, but no dice. Now I have 2nd degree burns on my bush area and it still itches!!!
Help me.
-Beta Sigma Psi Forever

Dear date rapist creep:
I don’t know where to start. Did you borrow the curling iron? Actually, don’t even answer that. There are a lot of really fucked up things about everything you just said, so I’m just going to start with the pressing matters at hand.

Why the fuck would you go to North 27th street in Lincoln to do dirty sex stuff? There is a Walmart on SOUTH 27th street now. Sure, it is filled with fucking creeps, but they are that smidge more normal. Head straight to electronics, grab a box of $1 Good & Plenty’s from the bin next to the DVD’s, and walk over to the cell phone guy Dante. Tell him you are “looking for a charger for your flip phone.” These partners only have diseases that start with the letter “C.” Shine on you fucking creep!

Today I have been making a lot of second guesses. Maybe take on a hobby to supplement your sex addiction. You could start playing “Guitar Hero.” Do you remember “Guitar Hero?” It was so much fun that summer oh god Holly I am so lost with out you. =(

Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, Instagram DMs, and we are equipped to defeat you in that RUSH song on Guitar Hero. Holly I love you.

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