douche bros, shopping

Salt Creek Crossing Most “Douche Bro” Strip Mall in Lancaster County

Lincoln NE (SN) – Even as Lincoln’s economy continues to thrive, strip malls and shopping centers have remained on the decline, but Salt Creek Crossing on North 27th is a staggering exception.

The carefully laid out strip mall, just a few blocks south of Superior street, is riddled with completely never-heard-of franchises, yet somehow stands tall as a “one stop shop” destination for douche bros, meat-heads, and other white gangster dudes.

“Bro! I come here at least once a week, bro” smiled charming alpha douche Steve Orviati from the parking lot. “SCC [Salt Creek Crossing] carries every single day to day necessity for me, bro.”

******EDITOR’S NOTE******
We admit that we are silly at times, but every single establishment that is about to be mentioned is a legitimate business. We’re not shitting you. Go there. Take photos. #SaltCreekCrossing
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“Muscle Market is where I buy my Creatine shakes, and other workout supplements” Orviati began. “They are way cheaper than GNC because they called their business “Muscle Market.” There is always this Korean guy here looking for cheap muscles and clams. They have yet to really break through with him. It’s kinda sad, bro.”

saltcreekcrossing02
A satellite image of Salt Creek Crossing.

“Second order of business is to scoot over to Selectel Wireless to pay my ghetto ass phone plan” he told reporters. “I used to just have a regular Sprint phone plan like normal people, but when you’re spending stacks on stacks at the Fat Toad six nights a week, a “pay-as-you-go” plan is much more affordable.”

“Next it is off to FADED Barbershop to get my haircut so I look totally prepped for a night at the Fat Toad” he added. “Then it is time to hop over to BIG DADDY’S PIZZA for a slice. It is “meh.” I mean who am I kidding, you can’t screw up pizza, bro!”

Performance powder, phone payments, a proper pampering, and pepperoni pizza, what can’t this strip mall do?

“Last but not least, it is time to drop in on my buddies at LINCOLN VAPOR for some more vape juice!” Orviati shouts as doing that weird “pack the invisible chewing tobacco with his hand” thing. “Ah shit, bro, I forgot to mention the paycheck advance place! I visit there first, THEN I go to Muscle Market. Scott Frost!!!”

 

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