Grand Island NE (SN) – In a Nation divided over the debate of immigration policy, one Midwestern demographic is standing together against the neighbors to the South: Sixth grade Nebraskan children, working their first ever job as a corn detasseler.
Corn is detasseled by removing the immature pollen-producing bodies, the tassel, from the tops of corn plants and placing them on the ground. It is a form of pollination control, employed to cross-breed, or hybridize, two varieties of corn. It is also a mundane, thoughtless, job in horrible work conditions that is typically assigned to the most desperate of the unemployed, migrant workers, or pre-teen rural children.
“My dad said that when he was my age there were a bunch of Mexican people detasseling alongside him” said 12 year old Daniel Meek. “Apparently they worked three times as hard as the kids, which totally made them look bad, and totally got in the way of a good derailing.”
Meek went on to explain that “derailing” is when an older detasseler takes a running charge at a newer, younger, kid. Shoving them as hard as they can, and then calling them “a queer,” to prove dominance, among other traditions.
“The 15 year old crew leaders also follow us with a long corn husk that they jokingly whip us in the face with if we aren’t moving quickly enough” The 12 year old added. “We have a lot of fun out there. It certainly distracts us from the fact that it is 94 degrees Fahrenheit with 100% humidity.”
The team of teen crew managers were eager to speak to reporters, as they had never met someone outside of the rural community they reside in.
“Look, we do what we need to do to get the employees to complete their job requirement” said one inbred freak. “My dad’s unemployment checks only give us enough for his thirty-packs of Old Milwaukee, and if we can keep these [CENSORED] out of America and let me do my job I can finally buy an Xbox 360… and maybe some groceries.”