A Penny For Your Snoughts, Advice Column

Ask Mr. Nose It All 7/12/2018

Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, and Instagram DMs.

Dear Mr. Nose It All-
I am a girl that has a crush on a girl. But I can’t tell if she is into girls and I can’t tell if she knows I’m into girls. How do I figure this out? Thx!
-Curious Georgina

Dear I’m not going to touch the issue of sexual identity in 2018 with a fifteen foot stick:
Do you think I know how to talk to people I have crushes on? If so, invite her over to your mom’s basement to hang out and establish the following fun filled evening to woo her over:

  1. Redbox “Beverly Hills Ninja” starring Chris Farley. It is complete garbage, so it will give you plenty of opportunities to strike up conversation.
  2. Purchase an entire twelve pack of Mountain Dew’s “Baja Blast” at a grocery store, yeah that’s right. You don’t have to march into Taco Bell with a bucket to acquire it anymore. Have chug races, and be sure she drinks at least three of them before the movie. (The caffeine will make her hyper. Hyper + Chris Farley = Making out… well if she is into you like that anyways.)
  3. Tell your mother that you read online that Brewsky’s Blazin’ Piano Bar is having the biggest party of the year.
  4. Cook your crush 18 corn muffins.

I’m not asking you to whisper “Thanks Mr. Nose It All” out loud as you are getting handsy in the dark on a pile of corn muffin crumbs and Baja Blast cans while Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fighting” song blares over the end credits to your movie, but I think a thumbs up is in order.

smallmrnosePlease help me Mr. Nose It All!
I am new to online dating but I’m not getting very many matches. How many cat photos are too many (sry)? Do you have any tips for building a profile?
Thank you!

Dear desperate psychopath:
A cat photo can really up your online dating game, but you should turn it up a notch further: Pay a 10 year old boy to pose as your son.

I don’t know a single homie in Nebraska that doesn’t long to get home from work and argue with a ten year old little shit about the new Nintendo 3DS game or whatever he wants, and the truth is in your photograph. You are sexually active! Well you were… once… like eleven years ago, at least once. It was probably still so hot though. (They’ll say.)

If you happen to be 22 years old or younger and don’t want to bore your prospective soulmate with sitcom-grade teen pregnancy drama, mention somewhere on your profile that you are a millionaire. The boy was a simple adoption, and sure we all just checked and realized, “Wow the resemblance is uncanny!” but your profile still speaks for itself. You are filthy rich! Who wouldn’t want to have a one night stand and just pretend to believe?

Your profile looks fine, by the way. I just DM’d you.

Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line HELP! We also accept Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, Instagram DMs, and we are prowling many online dating apps.

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