Lincoln NE (SN) – Summer is in full bloom in Lincoln, and so are the genitals of Lincoln’s perverts. Reports of indecent exposure are up 56% in the last couple weeks, as joggers and floggers flock to the bike paths. With all the extra excitement on the trails, Smell Nebraska has put together some helpful tips on how to stay safe out there.
First rule, sweatpants. Sweatpants are a weird creep’s best friend. Not only do they show that you don’t have any style, sophistication, or a job, they also allow you to stay fully torqued until that perfect time to pop out of the bushes and show some unsuspecting runner your pee pee.
Secondly, have a get-away route. Sure, it’s fun to just wander down the street with your junk hanging out willy-nilly, but your Sunday funday will be cut short without a carefully crafted get-away plan. Have your route picked out beforehand. You can run off to your bmx bike hidden in the bushes, maybe hop a passing train, or you can just go back to your dug out cave dwelling in the middle of Wilderness park. Have somewhere to lay low until the heat dies down.
Thirdly, be one in the moment. Obviously there is nothing more exhilarating than showing off your private parts to complete strangers. Make sure your total attention is on the task at hand. Avoid distractions like your cracked iPhone 4, talking dogs, or even the voices in your head. This is what you were born to do, so do it with the most energy and vigor your can muster. You got this.
Hopefully this helps everyone have a great summer. Good luck out there!