real estate, white people

Pine Lake Residents Scared of Tall Buildings

Lincoln NE (SN) – In the idyllic Porter Ridge neighborhood of Lincoln there is very little to be afraid of. It’s a low crime area with great schools, bike paths, parks, and a Cherry on Top. Unfortunately there are whispers that a new type of evil might be moving in and disrupting this suburban paradise: a tall building.

A pair of apartment buildings have been proposed to be built on the south side of Pine Lake road and residents are fearful it may disrupt their boring lives. A very scared Caucasian resident, Matt Fowler, describes his fears; “We moved to this neighborhood so we can be safe and secluded from the terrible parts of the inner city, like apartment buildings. We all bought identical, basic AF houses, miles away from any poor people, and that’s how we like it. Now they want to put a high rise apartment complex in my backyard? Over my dead body. Can you imagine how many poor people will want to move in there if it’s 5 stories high? Unthinkable.” Fowler shuddered and almost dropped his horchata almond-milk frappuccino blended coffee.

A large group of pitchfork wielding citizens wrote enough letters to the Lancaster County Planning Commission to get them to deny the permit to build 2 office buildings, even though it had been approved for 3 years. Residents blame traffic and parking as well as the height of the buildings as reasons to oppose the project, even though anyone with a brain can tell they are completely full of shit.

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“Not in Matt Fowler’s back yard.” Pictured: Matt Fowler’s back yard.

“We are worried about traffic and parking, not low income people moving in. I have nothing against people who can’t buy their own $250,000 cookie cutter home with a matching white crossover SUV, I really don’t,” says Fowler. “ I have no problem with them driving here or riding the bus to come and serve me breakfast at Jimmy’s Egg, but I’ll be damned if I let them live in the same neighborhood as me. I’ll move out past Yankee Hill if I have to. This place is really going downhill if you ask me.

A quick survey of neighborhood residents conferred that this potential apartment building was the worst thing to happen to them since that godforsaken Walmart moved into Wilderness Ridge.

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