A Penny For Your Snoughts, Advice Column

Ask Mr. Nose It All 6/8/2018

Wow! Smell Nebraska’s exclusive advice column had a lot of submissions in such a short amount of time! Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line “HELP!


(1 of 2)
Dear Mr. Nose It All,

I am in love with someone I ride the bus with but the thought of talking to them makes me so nervous! Sometimes we smile at each other but I don’t know what to do next. How do I talk to him?

Nervous female on 10th St


Dear impoverished lady –

You ride the bus. I’m surprised you even have the technology to communicate with Smell Nebraska. (She probably doesn’t even know what WordPress is…) 
It is really special to me that you claim to have some irresponsibly spontaneous crush on another poor person in Lancaster county.

I say go for it, and here’s how to seal the deal:

If you have a shower at wherever the hell you are living, take a shower, with soap. If you don’t have a shower, wait until the next thunderstorm, and do your best. NO REST STOP SINK “SHOWERS.” It is always so obvious.

Once you are cleaned up I need you to un-tuck your shirt, and don’t ask me why I know it was tucked in. You ride the bus so there is a Janet Jackson tape glued inside of the 25 year old Walkman hooked into your belt loop, but I think you can still work it to your advantage.

Here is the pick-up. There is one total douche in your regular bus traffic that owns a bike but is scared to ride it so he and his dumb bike ride the bus. As soon as he shows up and hangs his bike on that mammoth tusk monstrosity on the bus, rush over, entangle your headphone cord into the bike, and put your headphones on. Wait until you see your crush so you can ask him to untangle you. It’ll work. You’re both poor. DO NOT PRESS PLAY. You need to reserve your senses to look out for your suitor, or risk being yanked by your ear-holes past the historic Gold’s Building.

TITE! Instant love.
-Mr. Nose It All


(2 of 2)
Please help me, Mr. Nose It All:

Everyone is getting married right now except me! I’ve done everything I can think of to find someone, but no luck. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t anyone want me?

HuskerBill


Hello StupidSportsNicknameBill –

You need to calm the fuck down, and never refer to yourself as “HuskerBill.” You sound like a charity grant or something. I bet your 8th grader nickname is a glaring example as to who you are in every aspect of your life. Well we are here to help you, William.

Step 1: Stop paying for Premium Brazzers.
There is no way you are getting something out of that that us free-scrollers can’t find somewhere in a Google search. Sure six pop-up ads all start moaning at the same time but it adds an added challenge of using the mouse with your non dominant hand. Just cancel it, chief.

Step 2: Watch that new Queer Eye show on Netflix.
Take notes. Learn how to cook that guy’s guacamole, the guy coming out to his mother will make you cry. Videotape yourself crying to that part and post it on YouTube. *Be sure your YouTube username is your FIRST and LAST name, or maybe your first initial and your last name. Don’t make me go to youtube.com/HuskerBill or we will revoke our advice.

Step 3: Kick the guy that has been sleeping on your couch out of your apartment.
Think about this. You haven’t brought any women home I’m assuming because you probably wear those gaudy Adidas single strap sandals out to the bars, but imagine if some girl had too much Elk Creek Water and wound up heading back to your apartment? The guy on the couch would wring piss pants all over your little slumber party pretty fast. If he is the type of person that would stop being your friend over this change in tenancy, you don’t need them in your life. Once you meet your future wife she will make you stop hanging out with all of your friends forever anyways.

Step 4: Borrow someone’s baby.
It doesn’t have to be a cute baby either. Just score a child for ten minutes. Preferably between 4 months and two years. Have a friend on hand to snap some photos of you two together just having the best time. If your buddy takes enough photos there has bound to be one where the baby stops crying and appears to possibly be smiling. Make this photo your photo on Tinder, Match.com, etc. Better start picking out groomsmen!


Life stinks? Email Mr. Nose It All today at SmellNebraska@gmail.com with the subject line “HELP!”

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