Sunday Drivers, The Elderly

Lincoln Driver Claims to Have Completed Southbound Length of Antelope Valley Parkway Without Hitting Every Red Light

Lincoln NE (SN) – It was another warm weekend in the Star City, and as the sun melted over folks that had errands to run, South Lincoln resident Beverly Deschner is ecstatic about what she is referring to as “the best Sunday drive of her life.”

Deschner, 68, reached out to Smell Nebraska via Twitter after she achieved what others on social media are calling “shameful lies” and “beyond impossible.”

“I was loading my purchases into my trunk in the Gordmans parking lot when I realized I forgot that I needed to buy more of that non-habit-forming sleep aid ZzzQuil or I wasn’t going to sleep that night.” Beverly, told reporters. “I didn’t want to deal with another crazy parking lot, so HyVee and Walmart were out, but then I remembered there was a CVS Pharmacy that was only a little bit out of the way on Superior.”

This is when the Van Dorn resident’s story takes a new turn, aside from being stuck in a turn on the 14th and Superior roundabout for sixteen minutes.

“I forgot all about that roundabout deal. It was awful. I will never understand how that works. I circled on that thing for what felt like months. I wept. Eventually I just closed my eyes and I was at my destination.” Beverly said.

Perhaps a brush with death was the spark that the sixty eight year old Van Dorn resident needed to start taking even bigger risks.

“I bought a months worth of that non-habit-forming sleep aid ZzzQuil, and realized I could take that roundathing for a shorter amount of time if I let it spit me out onto 14th street.” She said. “Once I hit Bob Devaney Sports Center I realized I was about to attempt to take Antelope Valley Parkway Southbound for the first time since 2015.”

antelope02
The Antelope Valley Parkway in Lincoln, NE.

After a long, unnecessary story regarding a previous drive home from the Bob Devaney Sports Center in post-game traffic, Deschner confessed her stroke of luck.

“CVS led me to that roundajigger, which sent me off to 14th Street.” She became serious. “14th merged with Antelope Valley Parkway which ultimately becomes Capital Parkway, followed by 27th Street. I took the entire loop to Van Dorn without having to stop for a single red light.”

So there you have it, Lincoln. It is possible. We believe Bev. She is so sweet. She has no reason to lie about this.

Update: After a giant loss of readership we have no choice but to pull this elderly woman from her home and polygraph test her to be sure this is possible, she is currently goosed out of her mind on non-habit-forming sleep aid ZzzQuil, and not answering her door, but she will eventually.

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