Lincoln NE (SN) – Following a tough week for ABC, the broadcast television network is shifting their attention towards a “sure thing.”
The television conglomerate was quick to cancel the critically acclaimed reboot of “Roseanne” after the star, Roseanne Barr, referred to an aide to former President Obama as “the offspring of the Muslim Brotherhood and the “Planet of the Apes” film franchise.”
“Roseanne’s Twitter statement is abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with our values, and we have decided to cancel her show,” Channing Dungey, the president of ABC Entertainment, told Smell Nebraska. “We should have known better than to work with someone as bat-shit crazy as Barr, and we feel we will finally honor the perfect sitcom for pandering to hard working blue collar dopes with Larry the Cable Guy as our star.”
Channing Dungey proceeded to announce that Nebraska comedian Larry the Cable Guy, born Daniel Lawrence Whitney, had signed a two season contract with ABC, and they will have covered all of their bases this time to prevent another alt-right Twitter meltdown.
The new show, “Pandering to Hard Working Blue Collar Dopes,” takes a fresh, and otherwise never heard of approach to the modern family sitcom, by placing the sad, uneducated, heavy set, boring, white male in a marriage with a totally sexy, confident, independent wife that he would never have a chance with in the real world, but skyrockets ratings from the sad, uneducated, heavy set, boring white males that still watch television all day.
“The sexy wife thing, that is just a coincidence. I mean everyone thinks Portia de Rossi is gorgeous.” Argued Dungey. “The idea was to surround “the Cable Guy” guy with as many progressive and politically correct celebrities as possible so we would know way before a Ku Klux Klan retweet that our network has a problem on our hands.”
Rossi, or “Mrs. Cable Guy” will be joining previously famous comedian Amy Schumer as little daughter Sandy, and the hail Mary casting of Hannibal Buress as the family’s adorable, and witty, son Edgar.
“Buress’ character was adopted or something? He is like an adopted son. Poor, white Americans do that, right?” Channing Dungey trailed off. “Look we placed Larry the fucking Cable Guy with Ellen DeGeneres’ wife, an outspoken feminist comedian, and the guy that was basically the catalyst in sending Bill Cosby to jail for life after years of sexual abuse. Larry the Cable Guy is our guy.”
Larry the Cable Guy endorsed Donald Trump for president in the 2016 election after stating “He believed a Hillary Clinton win would lead to the “end of the country.””