Slow Nuesday, substance abuse

Detox Closing, All Four Shopko Locations to Accept the Very Drunk

Lincoln NE (SN) – With reality setting in of the Bridge Behavioral Health Detox program closing, regional department store company Shopko will start allowing LPD to drop troublesome drunks off at their four Lincoln locations that are somehow still open.

The failing retail-store made the announcement after news that the local detox, currently located at 721 K St, will be losing over $150,000 a year in funding and risks losing its state license thus forcing the program to close it’s doors.

The Bridge Behavioral Health Detox program offered the very drunk to be medically detoxed, rather than just thrown in jail. Shopko offers a comparable alternative. We sat down with Jim Welsh, general manager of the 27th and Highway 2 location.

A common area at Shopko Detox | 100 S 66th St, Lincoln

“Shopko is just overjoyed to have people in the store at all! There is plenty of room for everyone!” Welsh said. “The arresting officer(s) can drop the shit-faced drunk off at any of our four locations that are somehow still not closed after years of empty aisles, which will make the hungover walk home easier for alcoholics that may live farther away than the Bridge detox Haymarket location.”

The shorter walk home is just the tip of the iceberg for local drunk buffoon Tim Hearth.

“I heard that the long tired bologna sandwich will not be served at the Shopko detox,” Hearth shouted. “Instead we’ll be provided with long expired bags of Bugles corn chips and dusty boxes of Junior Mints that have been sitting on shelves since 1997. I’m very excited. I hated those shitty sandwiches.”

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