Lincoln NE (SN) – The FBI was rushed to the star city over the weekend to place a Daily Nebraskan columnist in protective custody after a negative review of a Reuben sandwich at Sips & Subs created massive backlash.
UNL student Karin Ellefson rated the popular menu item a 2.5 out of 5, adding that the sandwich was “flimsy and soggy.” An outpouring of disagreement flooded the student newspaper’s comments section.
“You wouldn’t know a Reuben if it produced a Beastie Boys album.” poked one user.
The commentary didn’t end there, as other Sips & Subs lovers took their protest to social media.
“Who does this punk mother fuck think he is? We might have to stomp this kid out and get sloppy joes.” Arne Franklin said of Ms. Ellefson on Facebook.
UNL administrators caught wind of the backfire on the web and immediately reached out to law enforcement, who ultimately decided it would be best to hand the case over to the Federal government. Ellefson was placed in a safe house in protective custody Saturday morning and later privately flown to Vermont to live a new life under the witness protection program.
Under the new identity “Karen Ellefson,” Karin’s secret identity was blown when she was overheard bitching about a the durability of a hamburger at a Montpelier Wendy’s location by a former Lincolnite turned Vermont fast food employee. She is assumed back in protective custody.